Quack Back
by RnBwRvrGrl and Digital Tempest
Summary: In the same vein as So You Wanna Date a Duck. That means RUN FOR YOUR LIVES. The duo gets a radio show...


Title: Quack Back

Rating: PG-13 or something

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

Author's notes: Yes, we get bored, easily. Same rules apply as with "SYWDAD" and "Adam Banks: Fashion Police". Flames are always welcomed, as they will be used to mock. :)

[intro]

Tempest: Hello, and welcome to our show. Firstly, we wanted to say that yes, we realize we have many fics that people want to see updated including "So You Wanna Date a Duck" and "Adam Banks: Fashion Police". We're working on it. Scout's honor. We just got sidetracked with other projects. But never fear. We'll never leave this fandom. You're stuck with us. 

Sparkle: That's right, people. You're stuck. Mwahahahaha *coughs, hacks*

Tempest: Sparkle, are you okay?

Sparkle: Evil laughter isn't my thing. That's more your style.

Tempest: I know. It takes a finesse to be evil these days, and I'm sorry, Sparkle, but you just don't have that certain something it takes to be evil and bitter. 

Sparkle: Well, that was so Hilary Duff of you to be honest.

Tempest: You know me. 

*RING*

Tempest: And we have our first official caller. Who's this?

Caller: Hello, this is… uh… Paul.

Tempest: Hey Paul, you're on Quack back, so talk to us. Lemme hear you quack.

Paul: er… quack.

Sparkle: That was so weak. If you're going to talk on this show, you gotta put some heart into it.

Tempest: And with that being said… LET ME HEAR YOU QUACK!

Paul: QUACK!

Tempest: That's better. Now, talk to us, Paul.

Paul: Well, it has come to my attention that certain, ill-meaning people seem to think that Adam Banks is gay, and I just wanted to clear the air and say that Adam is not gay. He understands that people are jealous of his talent and wish to smear his name, but that doesn't mean he likes boys… He plays hockey for Christ's sake.

Sparkle: We hear you 110%, Paul. People are just hell bent on dragging someone one down. Adam can't be gay. He just can't be. People just don't want to see him rise to success.

Tempest: On the contrary, I'm pretty sure Adam is gay. There isn't a clause that says just because you play hockey doesn't mean you're raging heterosexual. C'mon it's repressed gay boy syndrome. Besides, Adam should embrace his feelings. We all know he wants Charlie in the worst way. I'm all for them getting together. That would be so cute.

Paul: I DO NOT LIKE CHARLIE!

Tempest: ADAM?? IS THAT YOU?

Sparkle: Damn, I thought I had him chained to the floor. I have to get some better chains.

Paul: Uh… no… this isn't me… I mean… Adam… *slams phone down*

Tempest: Hm! That was odd. Next caller, let me hear you quack.

Caller: Quacking? But that's a muggle animal noise. I much rather make a mermaid noise. 

Tempest: Delia.

Sparkle: She just won't die. Will she?

Tempest: I'm starting to get the feeling that people don't like quacking much. Maybe we shouldn't make them do it. And Delia, I'm curious what sort of noise does a mermaid make?

Delia: *starts making weird whale-like noises on the phone*

Tempest: ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH! Sorry I asked.

Sparkle: What do you need, Delia? Got something you want to say about our beloved Ducks?

Delia: Well, no… not really. I was just wondering if you'd seen Ken around. I left him in my castle unattended, and when I came back, he was gone. *sobs* Help me find him.

Tempest: Tsk. Tsk. He got away. You're losing your touch. I haven't seen Ken, but I'm sure he can't be far. I mean, we're in the middle of fanfiction.net land. How far could he possibly get? Hold on, Dee, we have another caller. Caller you're on the air.

Caller: Yes, this is Ken and I just wanted to tell Delia that she'll never catch me… never!

Delia: KENNY! WHERE ARE YOU? I LOVE YOU. COME BACK!

Ken: *evil laughter*

Delia: I'll find you if it's the last thing I do. I'll search to the ends of the earth. I'll… oh… HARRY POTTER IS ON! *squeals and hangs up*

Tempest: Yo, Ken. What's up?

Ken: Don't what's up me. You got me kidnapped by a psycho?

Tempest: You've got the wrong one. I never wanted to interview you in the first place. It's all Sparkle's fault. She forced me to do it, and she was the one who invited Delia to your interview anyway.

Sparkle: Let's not exchange blame here. Let the past stay in the past. Let's be friend, Ken. I never meant for you to be kidnapped and tortured by Delia. It just sort of happened. We're still cool, right?

Ken: You didn't even try to save me.

Sparkle: Not true. Tempest and I looked for you.

Ken: And what happened?

Sparkle: Tempest ran.

Tempest: Not true! You ran, too.

Sparkle: I didn't want to!

Tempest: Yes, you did. You said, "Let's get the 'eff' outta here!" I remember.

Sparkle: We did everything we could, Kenny. We just couldn't rescue you. I'm sorry, but you're safe now.

Ken: You have one hour.

Sparkle: One hour until what?

Ken: *hangs up*

Sparkle: ONE HOUR UNTIL WHAT?

Tempest: You're going to die. ALRIGHT! I'LL BE A SINGLE HOST!

Sparkle: He never said he was just going to kill me. He just said one hour.

Tempest: Right, you are, so we better make this quick, so we can hide.

Sparkle: Next caller.

Caller: Ummm… Dominos delivers Philly cheesesteak pizza, right?

Sparkle: Caller… uh… this isn't Dominos.

Caller: So, you don't deliver Philly Cheesesteak pizza?

Sparkle: You've called the wrong place. This is QUACK BACK! 

Caller: Well, damn then, why are you wasting my time? *slams phone down*

Sparkle: Well, excuse the hell outta us…

Tempest: Speaking of pizza…

Sparkle: Keep it together, Tempest.

Tempest: Caller, you're on the air…

Caller: Tell Adam Banks when I catch him. He's dead. 

Tempest: And why's that caller?

Caller: He cut my hair and my lucky bandanna, and now, he dies. 

Tempest: Why do you think Adam would do such a thing?

Caller: He said something about my bandanna bothering him. 

Tempest: We have another caller.

Caller #2: That bandanna had to diiiieee…

Caller #1: You're going to die…

Caller #2: Just look at it this way buddy. I did you a favor. Not only do you not wear that awful bandanna anymore, but you got a nice new haircut. You have to make sacrifices in order to be fashionable. By the way, I threw out all your Slayer CDs and bought you some Christina Aguilera.

Caller #1: You didn't…

Caller #2: I did, and you'll thank me later. I suggest listening to Dirrty if you need something a little hardcore.

Caller #1: *the phone thuds and everyone hears screaming in the distance*

Tempest: So, Adam, you're telling us that you destroyed Dean's CD collection? 

Adam: How did you know this was me?

Tempest: You just called like two seconds ago trying to defend your sexuality.

 Adam: That wasn't me. You must be thinking of someone else.

Sparkle: ADAM  *starts cooing at him* Don't worry I won't let the big mean Dean hurt you.

Tempest: You're not going to be able to save him Sparkle. Dean is bigger than you, too, in case you forgot. So, Adam, why did you do it? Revenge, jealousy, what?

Adam: I told you for fashion. A fashion faux pas is forever, and Dean was rolling in them. *pauses* Umm… I have to go. Dean is trying to beat my door down. 

Sparkle: NO! DON'T HURT HIM.

-Sparkle and Tempest hear more screaming as Adam's phone drops to the floor.-

Tempest: *laughs* What a mess. I may have to comfort Dean. It can be very traumatizing when someone destroys your CDs.

Sparkle: But what about my Adam? He's going to get broken in half. 

*RING*

Tempest: Talk to us.

Caller: 30 minutes… *maniacal laughter* 

Tempest: Sparkle, this is all your fault. 

Sparkle: How was I supposed to know that Kenny was so unstable? You'd think they'd put some kind of sign up for people like that.

Tempest: He was perfectly fine until you got him kidnapped.

Sparkle: *ignores Tempest* Next caller. 

Caller: Am I on the air?

Sparkle: Yes, you are.

Caller: Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod.

Tempest: Er… who's this?

Caller: This is Tiffani with like an "I" not a "Y".

Tempest: Okay, Tiffani with an I. Got something you want to say about the Ducks. 

Tiffani: Umm… ducks… like, what ducks…?

Sparkle: You know… the Mighty Ducks…

Tiffani: What did you say…? The Mighty Fucks? I'm like on my cellphone and I can't like hear you all that well.

Tempest: You let her say [expletive deleted], but you won't let me say it. How cruel. 

Sparkle: Do you need some sort of advice? Because we give advice, too…

Tempest: We do? But this is supposed to be a Duck discussion forum. 

Tiffani: Yeah, okay, like… I wanted to say like I had a really big crush on like Guy… I think he plays… er… like badminton for like the badgers or something… and like he isn't supposed to like know that I like him or anything… And he like has this girlfriend named Danny or Courtney or something like that who's like totally all wrong for him cause she plays badminton too… and like… what do I do… yanno…?

Tempest: You realize this is a radio talk show and lots of people hear it, don't you?

Tiffani: Like yeah, but as long as Guy doesn't hear it, it's like totally okay that everyone else knows I like him. I'm trying to keep it a secret from him… duh!

Sparkle: Ummm… why don't you just tell him you like him?

Tiffani: Because it's like so totally loserish to tell a boy you like him. I'm like a cheerleader. I have a reputation to maintain. 

Tempest: My advice would be to seek professional help. There's nothing here for you, and his girlfriend's name is Connie. C-O-N-N-I-E. *hangs up*

*RINGS*

Tempest: You're on the air!

Tiffani: I like so totally didn't get that. Spell it again a little slower.

Tempest: Stop calling us. *hangs up*

*RING*

Tempest: You're on the air!

Tiffani: But like wait…

Tempest: *hangs up*

*RING*

Tempest: *ignores the phone* Christ, that girl has stalker written all over her. 

Sparkle: She wasn't so bad.

Tempest: I forget who I'm talking. You have a PhD in stalking.

*RING*

Tempest: WHAT?

Caller: 15 minutes.

Tempest: If I didn't know better, I would say that Ken is bitter. 

*RING*

Sparkle: Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me, BAY-BE!

Tempest: We've really got to do something about those outbursts of yours. 

Caller: Ducks fanfiction writers scare me.

Tempest: Wha? I demand you take that back before I jump through the phone and—

Sparkle: Settle down, Temp. Tell us why are Ducks fanfiction writers scary.

Caller: Because you're all insane. 

Tempest: I object. We're not insane. Speaking for myself and some of the other authors out there, we're not insane. We're just overly creative, so get your facts straight, bub. There's another caller on the line.

Ken: *making gagging noises* You told Delia where to find me, didn't you?

Tempest: We had no idea where you were. How could we tell her?

Delia (in the background): I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND. I LOVE YOU AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO MAKE BEAUTIFUL DUCK BABIES TOGETHER… er… after I have beautiful Malfoy babies of course.

Ken: can't… breath… must… help…

Caller: See, that's insane. You have Ken being tortured by a Harry Potter fan. Does it get more evil than that?

Delia: You GOT something you want to say about Harry Potter, asshole.

Caller: Harry Potter is dumb, and so are you, you freak. Give Kenny back! 

Delia: You wanna say that to my face, tough guy. 

Tempest & Sparkle: Listen to the anonymous caller and Delia bicker.

Sparkle: Ohh! We have another caller. More insanity!

Caller #2: Am I wike on the radio? Can I touch your backpack? Omg!!!!! I wub snuggle-bugglez! Thiz so kewl.

Sparkle: Ah! HavE a bracelet. Omg!!! It's just so fuzz-ee! Another raver! Hey, man, got any Vickz, yo? Hello, Fellow brethren in rave. Oh muh gawd, I'm rollin'! Who thiz be? Do you need a hug?

Tempest: What the hell…? *rubs temples*

-Sparkle continues with her raver speak, and Delia continue to argue with the other caller about Harry Potter.-

Tempest: Madness. *hangs up on everyone*

Sparkle: What did you do that for? 

Tempest: Um… oops?  We have yet another caller. You're on the air.

Tiffani: Hi, this is Tiffani, again. Funbreeze, yanno, and I was wondering if you had Guy's phone number. 

Tempest: *sighs* I'm not allowed to give out that information, Tiffani. 

Tiffani: *sobs* But why? GUY AND I ARE MEANT TO BE.

Sparkle: He already HAS a girlfriend.

Tiffani: So, she's a like, like a manbeast. 

Tempest: *snickers*… I mean… that's horrible of you to say, Tiffani. He loves his girlfriend.

Tiffani: NO, he, like, LOVES ME!

Tempest: *hangs up*

Sparkle: And that about wraps us this first hour of Quack Back. I'm your host Sparkle along with my co-host, Tempest.

Tiffani: BUT I NEED GUY's NUMBER!

Tempest: I thought I hung up on you…

Sparkle: Goodnight, everybody!

Tiffani: But like wait! I didn't get to like talk to Guy yet–

*

A/N: Excuse any typos. We'll fix them later or something. 


End file.
